Friday, April 11, 2008

Loss

Yesterday I went to my regular monthly check-up for my pregnancy. I was looking forward to this one - I was feeling much better and I was looking forward to a quiet drive by myself (it's nice every now and then to have some 'me' time). I'd gotten there about 15 minutes early and they called me right back. I was thankful for that, work has been busy and I was hoping to get back at a decent time. They had me do the usual - weight, blood pressure, etc and then we were off to the room to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, said she didn't want to make me nervous and said she'd let the doctor try. The doctor came in and sure enough he couldn't find it either. At this point, I knew in my heart the baby had passed away, but kept trying to talk to myself and tell myself everything was fine. Dr. Clark went to go get the ultrasound machine but unfortunately it was being used at that time. He gave me my dates for bloodwork and our ultrasound for around 20 weeks and said he'd be back with the machine as soon as it was available. I laid on the table looking up at the ceiling listening to the sound of babies heartbeats being heard by other expectant mothers. Then, began wondering how many times when I was in the office with Payton and Koen that there was a mother just like me in the room next to me who found out her baby no longer had a heartbeat.



Because of losing Kayden and remembering how awful it was to see my son on an ultrasound -no longer moving, just laying at the bottom of my uterus, floating- I tried to decide whether to look at the ultrasound screen or not. It took me a long time to get the sight of Kayden just laying there on the screen out of my head. Anytime I saw a new baby for a while, that's what I thought of. Dr. Clark finally was able to get the machine and as soon as I saw the screen, it took me straight back to Kayden. No flashing little heart, no movement. They sent me to another room to get a more in-depth ultrasound just to be positive (the machine they move from room to room isn't that great....) and the tech confirmed it. From that point, they asked if I was alone, if I needed them to call anyone, etc. I just felt numb (and felt sorry for them for having to watch me fall apart). Isn't it strange how when you miscarry a child you feel like a failure? As you're looking at your lifeless baby on the screen you just lay there and tell your baby you're sorry....



They scheduled me for surgery on Saturday morning. I haven't had to go this route before. With Kayden I was far enough along that I had to deliver him. It provided me closure because I got to see and hold him, so I was thankful for that. It will be strange this time, I think, to not have that closure. One always wonders why things like this happens. I hope more than anything that whenever someone I know either miscarries a child or has a special needs child that Bob and I are able to reach out to them and be there for them.



This is a song that I listened to a lot after Payton was diagnosed.....and continue to listen to it when things like this happen. For now, I have two beautiful children here on earth with me and two children born safe in the arms of Jesus.

18 comments:

Julie said...

Wow Tara, what a powerful, moving song. Let me first say how sorry I am for your loss. I have never miscarried so I have no idea what it must be like. You are such a strong christian woman. I take comfort in the fact that if anything ever happens to Noah or the girls for that matter that Scotts son who died will be there with them, just as your babies are together and you will all be joined again someday. I know that the relationship you have with Christ will get you through this time. You also know we are all here to help lift you up. Hugs.

Julie

Heather said...

:( xoxoxoxoxo, Heather

camille said...

I'm so sorry, Tara.
We love you.

Michelle said...

Oh Tara,
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I will keep you all in my prayers. God Bless
Michelle

Every minute counts.... said...

Tara, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Bob right now. I just don't know what to say. I am sending you as many hugs and prayers as I can.

Noel

Laura said...

I am hoping that you can feel the hugs I'm sending your way....
So, so sorry for your loss.
xoxo

Nicole said...

I am so sorry Tara. My heart aches for you. You and Bob will be in my prayers. Thinking of you.

Kerry said...

I am so sorry Tara. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. We're thinking of you and your family now.

Mandi Miller said...

Tara, girl, I want to say I love you! I wish I was there with you to help you out right now! I am praying for you and know that God is going to wrap His loving arms around you in my place! Contact me if you need anything....even just a good vent or message saying hi!

Love you!

Mandi

Nancy said...

Before I was pregnant with Erik, I had two miscarriages. I put subtle touches of angels into his nursery as I decorated it. There is a heart-shaped stone in front of our house I put there so I could look at every day and remember them.

I am so VERY sorry for your loss. Hearing your story about the ultrasound really brought back memories for me. I know how that feels.

Gorgeous song. I just put it on my iPod. Thank you.

Penny said...

I am so VERY sorry Tara. I, too had a miscarriage before Keith. I am thinking of you. I will say lots of prayers for you.

Teresa & Shawn said...

Oh, Tara, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Michelle said...

Tara my heart was so heavy as I read your post. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you...what a beautiful song.

Ava Jewel Leilani said...

Tara I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending you all our love.

Anna
(beautiful song)

Katie said...

Oh Tara and Bob, i was so sad to read this entry and hear of your loss, you are all in my thoughts and prayers, thank you for sharing the song.
love always xoxo
Katie

Amy said...

Tara,
I am very sorry for your loss and thankful you have your very two special blessings, Payton and Koen. I am feeling crushed by the weight of this news and hope better days lie ahead.
xoxo
Amy

Kim, Grandma to Ava,ws said...

I just now read about your loss. I am so very, very sorry for you and your family. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big squeeze. You are an amazing woman. God bless.

Love, Kim

Nancy said...

"Freedom, Healing for Parents of Disabled Children" a wonderful resource for parents of children with special needs, is now available through the Olive Leaf Ministries. As the parent of an Autistic and deaf child, Nancy Douglas has brilliantly written her account of what life with a disabled child is truly like. Written especially for and in honor of these parents, "Freedom" brings the much-needed hope of Christ to those amidst great grief, pain, and sadness.

Read an excerpt from "Freedom" by visiting: www.oliveleafministries.com

Blessings,
Olive Leaf Ministries