Yesterday I went to my regular monthly check-up for my pregnancy. I was looking forward to this one - I was feeling much better and I was looking forward to a quiet drive by myself (it's nice every now and then to have some 'me' time). I'd gotten there about 15 minutes early and they called me right back. I was thankful for that, work has been busy and I was hoping to get back at a decent time. They had me do the usual - weight, blood pressure, etc and then we were off to the room to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, said she didn't want to make me nervous and said she'd let the doctor try. The doctor came in and sure enough he couldn't find it either. At this point, I knew in my heart the baby had passed away, but kept trying to talk to myself and tell myself everything was fine. Dr. Clark went to go get the ultrasound machine but unfortunately it was being used at that time. He gave me my dates for bloodwork and our ultrasound for around 20 weeks and said he'd be back with the machine as soon as it was available. I laid on the table looking up at the ceiling listening to the sound of babies heartbeats being heard by other expectant mothers. Then, began wondering how many times when I was in the office with Payton and Koen that there was a mother just like me in the room next to me who found out her baby no longer had a heartbeat.
Because of losing Kayden and remembering how awful it was to see my son on an ultrasound -no longer moving, just laying at the bottom of my uterus, floating- I tried to decide whether to look at the ultrasound screen or not. It took me a long time to get the sight of Kayden just laying there on the screen out of my head. Anytime I saw a new baby for a while, that's what I thought of. Dr. Clark finally was able to get the machine and as soon as I saw the screen, it took me straight back to Kayden. No flashing little heart, no movement. They sent me to another room to get a more in-depth ultrasound just to be positive (the machine they move from room to room isn't that great....) and the tech confirmed it. From that point, they asked if I was alone, if I needed them to call anyone, etc. I just felt numb (and felt sorry for them for having to watch me fall apart). Isn't it strange how when you miscarry a child you feel like a failure? As you're looking at your lifeless baby on the screen you just lay there and tell your baby you're sorry....
They scheduled me for surgery on Saturday morning. I haven't had to go this route before. With Kayden I was far enough along that I had to deliver him. It provided me closure because I got to see and hold him, so I was thankful for that. It will be strange this time, I think, to not have that closure. One always wonders why things like this happens. I hope more than anything that whenever someone I know either miscarries a child or has a special needs child that Bob and I are able to reach out to them and be there for them.
This is a song that I listened to a lot after Payton was diagnosed.....and continue to listen to it when things like this happen. For now, I have two beautiful children here on earth with me and two children born safe in the arms of Jesus.