Thursday, April 17, 2008

One Week

I wasn't going to post anything, thought I would keep things to myself...but then thought, ahh, this is my family and friends, I will write and get it off of my chest. It's been one week today since Bob and I got the news that we'd lost our baby. Life goes on, time goes fast, and I seem to be relishing every second I can with my children. I just realize how fragile life is (obviously Payton has made me realize this) but I'm just so thankful they are here with us. It's frustrating - I was only 13 weeks but yet somehow my stomach looks as though I had a baby.....I'm all stretched out again, yet nothing came from it.

I walked by Koen's room yesterday morning and thought to myself that I needed to buy a new bouncer seat for the baby. The seat Payton and Koen used is worn out and we needed a new one. I keep forgetting I'm not pregnant anymore. Strange, isn't it? I mean, I know I'm not pregnant, but for a few split seconds I forget. Waves of sadness still come over me at unexpected times and I keep trying to push the sorrow back, but I know I can't keep pushing it back. The healing just takes time but the "what if's" are still there. And, ofcourse the guilt.

As I say this, I know if everyone threw all of their struggles and sorrows in a pile, I would still pick mine back. Others are going thru so much worse and I believe that God has equipped me to make it thru this sorrow and through Payton's diagnosis. Sometimes, I ask Him if He really thinks I'm strong enough, though.

11 comments:

Nancy said...

I remember waking up every morning thinking I was pregnant after my miscarriages. Only time can fix that. I did the same thing with WS. Every morning was the same for a long, long time. It just plain hurts, and I am sorry you are going through that. You have a great attitude through it all.

Big ol hugs.

Penny said...

Thinking of you sweetie and I know you WILL get though this and you will be stronger.

Keep the Faith

My Little Superhero said...

Tara . . . I wish I was there to give you hug and just listen. Words sometimes are just not enough. Don't ever minimize your pain and take comfort in those that love you.

camille said...

Tara, I so wish we lived closer. I also want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this loss. Thinking of you...

Julie said...

I ask God that alot. I always try to say something to let you guys know how I can relate to your situation. I have not experienced this so all I can say is I love you and am praying for you. Hang in there.

Every minute counts.... said...

I have thought what you wrote in the last paragraph so often. Even though some of the stuff we have been through is hard, I would still pick my stuff back up.
I am praying for you and Bob. I can only imagine what you are going through right now, I have not been in your possition but I can feel your pain.
Sending my love,
Noel

Amy said...

Tara, I am not sure it is about easier or worse struggles. These painful times are unique ventures in suffering that are very real and very human, and just plain sucky to go through. I am sorry this happened to your family. But you are right, God is there, through your sorrow and happiness. And so am I.

On another note, yes, Payton and Avery look so much alike, and I have a pretty big softspot for Payton because of it.
xoxo
Amy

Heather said...

Lots of love Tara. I am sad for you too, but I know you will be okay. You have a wonderful family and friends to help you through. big hugs, Heather

Kerry said...

Thinking of you, Tara... I know it is so hard now and all we can offer are cyber hugs, but here you go {{{{}}}}}}

Michelle said...

I think it's good that you did post and get your thoughts off your chest, it can't be good to keep it bottled up. I've never been through that before, so I can't pretend I know what it feels like but I imagine most women probably have those same feelings...like anything it'll probably take time to feel "right" again. Hugs to you.

abcmommy said...

Tara, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been where you're at right now. I lost three pregnancies before Abbi was born. Each time it only got harder, and like you I was in the early stage. Like you, I often ask God that same question. I think his answer is giving us the strength to face the next day and continue. With time, the pain does lessen and I know you'll find solace with your family and friends. Lean on them. You'll be in my prayers tonight.