I wasn't going to post anything, thought I would keep things to myself...but then thought, ahh, this is my family and friends, I will write and get it off of my chest. It's been one week today since Bob and I got the news that we'd lost our baby. Life goes on, time goes fast, and I seem to be relishing every second I can with my children. I just realize how fragile life is (obviously Payton has made me realize this) but I'm just so thankful they are here with us. It's frustrating - I was only 13 weeks but yet somehow my stomach looks as though I had a baby.....I'm all stretched out again, yet nothing came from it.
I walked by Koen's room yesterday morning and thought to myself that I needed to buy a new bouncer seat for the baby. The seat Payton and Koen used is worn out and we needed a new one. I keep forgetting I'm not pregnant anymore. Strange, isn't it? I mean, I know I'm not pregnant, but for a few split seconds I forget. Waves of sadness still come over me at unexpected times and I keep trying to push the sorrow back, but I know I can't keep pushing it back. The healing just takes time but the "what if's" are still there. And, ofcourse the guilt.
As I say this, I know if everyone threw all of their struggles and sorrows in a pile, I would still pick mine back. Others are going thru so much worse and I believe that God has equipped me to make it thru this sorrow and through Payton's diagnosis. Sometimes, I ask Him if He really thinks I'm strong enough, though.