Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Payton was ecstatic yesterday because we finally got a good snow. She LOVES snow and has probably eaten about three bowls of it. This is the first time Koen has seen the snow and he is loving it too. They both bundled up, got their boots on, and went outside to play with daddy for a while.

Koen's surgery went great on Monday. I don't think I could ever be thankful enough for such an easy-going little guy. I'm so used to Payton getting so aggravated and upset anytime the nurses or doctors touch her (with the stethoscope, thermometer, etc) that it amazes me when the nurses do everything and Koen just sits there willingly. They didn't give him any medicine to make him dopey before he left us, so when the nurse came up and said she was going to have to upset him and take him for surgery, I was shocked because he just reached for her and left with her. Didn't even look back. Who would've dreamed he would've been that good about it. He was quite the bear all day from the anesthetic, but he just did great. She said his adenoids were huge and that if he would've been a bit older she would've gone ahead and taken his tonsils cause they looked like they needed to come out, but I'm hoping when we get the results from the allergy testing in a couple of weeks that we can just keep him away from whatever he's allergic to and it will take care of it.

On the way to Koen's surgery, there was a train going along side the highway. It was still dark, so the big bright light in the front of the train was shining right at us. I immediately got a big smile on my face. Payton has loved trains for about three years. I swear I can feel the energy off of her when she sees one. She screams at the top of her lungs and it's like electricity shoots out her fingers and toes. I never dreamed just seeing a train - even when by myself - would bring a smile to my face. It immediately makes me think of the joy it brings Payton.

Now that Koen had his surgery and will hopefully start feeling better, I think Payton might get back to herself. She sure has been feeding off of Koen not feeling well, being fussy, and needing us more than usual. Last night she cried for about three hours because I didn't get her out of the car. I still can't believe that got her so upset (Bob got her out of the car instead of me and it really laid havoc on the night???). So, I am very hopeful that she'll get back to herself. She is such a sweetie and I feel for her that it doesn't take much to throw her off. But, the gazillion kisses and hugs she gives me in one day (or the gazillion times she tells me I'm her best friend) totally makes up for it!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Does it get better?

Lately I've felt like I have a five year old who is stuck in a two year old's body. She has been oh so emotional. Bob and I feel like she is just feeding off of Koen not feeling well (it's just ear infections and asthma, but he does get quite fussy) and it has really turned her end over end. She hates the nebulizer (too noisy) and really doesn't tolerate his 'needing' us. When I'm around other children her age, it's the maturity that gets me. There is a huge difference between her and them. Every night this week has just been crying and crying and crying. My mom is always very encouraging and frequently reminds me that God will get us through this, but it's weeks like this that really bring me to my knees and make me think. It's tough now, and she's just five years old. What will I do when she's twenty and her maturity is around age eight? Seriously, those with older children, how do you handle this?

I always feel like I am being judged for the way she behaves and I really struggle with it. She is so impulsive (typical ws) and really can't seem to stop herself. She knows better - but just can't stop herself. For instance, the other day I took five minutes to start a load of laundry, the next thing I know, my living room is covered with silverware and toilet paper is torn to pieces in the floor. She knows better. I'm sure many would not believe this, but Koen has already passed her in this aspect.

To be honest, I'm tired and sad. I want Payton to be able to 'handle' things and be able to control herself. I know every parent worries about their child's future, but for Payton, I really do. I can't do anything about it, so I don't know why I'm so worried about it. But I think I'm scared for all four of us in the family. It really is going to be tough to see your adult grown child in front of you that really is only developmentally/emotionally a child.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

60th Anniversary

60 years! And as you can tell from the picture above, they are still the happiest couple :) Truly an inspiration.
And, the pic below.....Payton and her PaPa Bill. She's obviously thrilled to be at that anniversary party!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Koen is scheduled to have his adenoids removed and blood work done for allergies on Jan 26th and we cannot wait! That poor little guy has not had a good night's sleep since September and it's just been ear infection after ear infection (he's already got tubes). Although this has not held a candle to the nights with Payton, it will be nice to see him feeling good again and maybe (cross our fingers) get the household a good night's sleep :)

PS - I caught Payton eating cat food again. Please tell me she will outgrow this :) ha!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Kind of Blah

It's hard to describe how I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks or so. I told my mom now that Payton's behavior is so much better, I feel like I realize how bad it really was. I think we had forgotten what it was like to have a 'normal' life (if there is such a thing as normal - but you know what I'm saying). I don't really feel bitter....or maybe I do. I don't know, I can't figure it out yet. I'm sure it's all just part of the process we go through. Even through the holidays, though, I noticed that when things were going so well and people were even noticing how wonderful Payton was doing handling things, it was hard for me to not want to just stand up and say " that we feel like we somewhat have our life back, where in the heck were you when our family's life was crumbling?" Hmmmm, now that I read that, it pretty much sounds like anger and bitterness. Honestly, Bob and I are both struggling with those feelings and we are trying to work on it together. I ran across our wedding album the other day (after Payton pulled out all of our photo albums and started her destruction) and when I saw Bob and I, I thought, man, what happened to those two people? We feel like we've been stuffed in a bottle and just shaken for about five years. I think we just lost ourselves and now we're working on getting ourselves back.

Payton's done well getting back into the routine of school. Routines are still very important to her (not sure if that will be a life-long thing or if it gets better with age??). Last night we decided to take her to John Deere Day here in town. She and Koen love tractors and we really thought she would have a great time. Unfortunately, she's used to going home after we pick her up from Dawn's, so she was just 'off'. Koen loved it....Payton had meltdown after meltdown. When we got home, we put her in the high chair and she was fine (I'm so glad we have that figured out now).

Anyways, Payton's teachers said they added a picture schedule for her routine at school. I felt sorry for her when she went back the first day. She acted like she'd never been there before. She recognized the people, just didn't know what in the world to do (where to put her backpack, etc).

I also received reports on her goals. Most of them just stated she was still working towards her goal and making headway on them. The ones that got me were learning to meaningful count to five (right now she will meaningful count to two) and they would like for her to play on the playground equipment without fear before she heads to kindergarten. And I won't even get started on the writing. She will put pen to paper, but it's basically scribble from there. And-I know that's a step in the right direction, but it's hard seeing the others starting to write their names and she's older than them (some by two years). Neat thing is, though, she loves every kiddo there and gets excited seeing each one of them.

Our niece, Faith, came and spent a couple of days with us (and Grandma Wanda!) and the kids had a great time. I was so proud of Faith. I think it was the longest she'd been away from her parents, and she did really well. Faith and Payton are the same age (she'll turn six in April) and she is such a beautiful little girl. I cannot tell you how much fun Koen had with her. Payton had fun, but she's just not really much of a player. Koen on the other hand followed her every where she went and wanted to do the same thing she was. Part of me wishes to give him another sibling - because it really was neat seeing that interaction between Faith and Koen - but I know my family is complete. I do wish Payton interacted with Koen more, but she does as much as she can/wants, and I should just be happy with that.

Here's some pics from Faith's visit: