Friday, January 9, 2009

Kind of Blah

It's hard to describe how I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks or so. I told my mom now that Payton's behavior is so much better, I feel like I realize how bad it really was. I think we had forgotten what it was like to have a 'normal' life (if there is such a thing as normal - but you know what I'm saying). I don't really feel bitter....or maybe I do. I don't know, I can't figure it out yet. I'm sure it's all just part of the process we go through. Even through the holidays, though, I noticed that when things were going so well and people were even noticing how wonderful Payton was doing handling things, it was hard for me to not want to just stand up and say " that we feel like we somewhat have our life back, where in the heck were you when our family's life was crumbling?" Hmmmm, now that I read that, it pretty much sounds like anger and bitterness. Honestly, Bob and I are both struggling with those feelings and we are trying to work on it together. I ran across our wedding album the other day (after Payton pulled out all of our photo albums and started her destruction) and when I saw Bob and I, I thought, man, what happened to those two people? We feel like we've been stuffed in a bottle and just shaken for about five years. I think we just lost ourselves and now we're working on getting ourselves back.

Payton's done well getting back into the routine of school. Routines are still very important to her (not sure if that will be a life-long thing or if it gets better with age??). Last night we decided to take her to John Deere Day here in town. She and Koen love tractors and we really thought she would have a great time. Unfortunately, she's used to going home after we pick her up from Dawn's, so she was just 'off'. Koen loved it....Payton had meltdown after meltdown. When we got home, we put her in the high chair and she was fine (I'm so glad we have that figured out now).

Anyways, Payton's teachers said they added a picture schedule for her routine at school. I felt sorry for her when she went back the first day. She acted like she'd never been there before. She recognized the people, just didn't know what in the world to do (where to put her backpack, etc).

I also received reports on her goals. Most of them just stated she was still working towards her goal and making headway on them. The ones that got me were learning to meaningful count to five (right now she will meaningful count to two) and they would like for her to play on the playground equipment without fear before she heads to kindergarten. And I won't even get started on the writing. She will put pen to paper, but it's basically scribble from there. And-I know that's a step in the right direction, but it's hard seeing the others starting to write their names and she's older than them (some by two years). Neat thing is, though, she loves every kiddo there and gets excited seeing each one of them.

Our niece, Faith, came and spent a couple of days with us (and Grandma Wanda!) and the kids had a great time. I was so proud of Faith. I think it was the longest she'd been away from her parents, and she did really well. Faith and Payton are the same age (she'll turn six in April) and she is such a beautiful little girl. I cannot tell you how much fun Koen had with her. Payton had fun, but she's just not really much of a player. Koen on the other hand followed her every where she went and wanted to do the same thing she was. Part of me wishes to give him another sibling - because it really was neat seeing that interaction between Faith and Koen - but I know my family is complete. I do wish Payton interacted with Koen more, but she does as much as she can/wants, and I should just be happy with that.

Here's some pics from Faith's visit:


Kerry said...

I'm glad to hear you are "finding your way back". It's such a hard balance to maintain. But the fact that you are awaremeans that you will pull through and find that happiness and RELIEF again... something we are all finding! :)

Heather said...

Tara, I know how you feel about the "where were you when our life was crazy" thing.
We had basically no support either. It sucked. Caleb has been on his celexa for about a year and a half. I have felt so many different emotions in this time. It is crazy.
The girls look so cute together. I bet Koen just adores her!
Is that yo gabba gabba on Paytons shirt? That show is the creepiest thing since telletubbi's
It just hypnotizes Caleb. I mean it sucks him right in! Wow.
hope you cheer up soon. xoxo

Penny said...

Thinking of you. I hope you find some peace. Know that I am always here......

Nancy said...

John Deere Day? Oh my. Erik would explode with excitement.

You have been through the ringer. I am glad you are getting some relief. I can say that with a little more time to think, you are probably processing things you have put on the back burner emotionally before. I wouldn't worry about how you sound. Just feel.


Michelle said...

I'm struggling with Kayla's writing (or lack thereof) skills. She's not really doing anything put scribbling too...or making a lot of lines and circles. She doesn't even trace the letters very well at all. It makes me sad seeing the other kids in kindergarten being able to write their names, or even sentences, or even just tracing over letters. One day our girls will write their names and we'll frame it and hang it on the wall :)