Friday, January 23, 2009

Does it get better?

Lately I've felt like I have a five year old who is stuck in a two year old's body. She has been oh so emotional. Bob and I feel like she is just feeding off of Koen not feeling well (it's just ear infections and asthma, but he does get quite fussy) and it has really turned her end over end. She hates the nebulizer (too noisy) and really doesn't tolerate his 'needing' us. When I'm around other children her age, it's the maturity that gets me. There is a huge difference between her and them. Every night this week has just been crying and crying and crying. My mom is always very encouraging and frequently reminds me that God will get us through this, but it's weeks like this that really bring me to my knees and make me think. It's tough now, and she's just five years old. What will I do when she's twenty and her maturity is around age eight? Seriously, those with older children, how do you handle this?

I always feel like I am being judged for the way she behaves and I really struggle with it. She is so impulsive (typical ws) and really can't seem to stop herself. She knows better - but just can't stop herself. For instance, the other day I took five minutes to start a load of laundry, the next thing I know, my living room is covered with silverware and toilet paper is torn to pieces in the floor. She knows better. I'm sure many would not believe this, but Koen has already passed her in this aspect.

To be honest, I'm tired and sad. I want Payton to be able to 'handle' things and be able to control herself. I know every parent worries about their child's future, but for Payton, I really do. I can't do anything about it, so I don't know why I'm so worried about it. But I think I'm scared for all four of us in the family. It really is going to be tough to see your adult grown child in front of you that really is only developmentally/emotionally a child.


Tes said...

I am right there with you my friend. I know all the right things to say and i hear them too but like you said, it is so very hard. Lila wants so much to "play" with Ava's friends and they are good with her but she just can't relate. sometimes i feel i just can't give appropriate time with either one of them and it worries me, especially Ava getting older and wanting to be "somewhere else" i don't want her to to be happier somewhere else, BIG SIGH. Just wanted you to know we are human and these feeling/concerns/worries are justified and somethings we cannot not fix. big hug.

Heather said...

With you... (big hugs), hang in there.
I would love to tell you that it gets better, but I would be lying. It does get easier in some respects. Like worrying about people judging you. That will get easier.
Caleb does things that he knows he shouldn't all the time. Just last night he snuck a huge piece of pizza after we clearly explained to him he couldn't have it. As soon as we walked out of the kitchen, he was stuffing his face with it. That is just the tip of the ice burg.
Please remember that our kids are so alike in a lot of ways, but they are still individuals. Just because Caleb is still rotten at 11 doesn't mean that Payton won't grow out of it.
I guess you just have to cling to hope to get you through.
I know it is hard. I am with you all the way.

Katie said...

Oh yeah, i understand completely - i get so frustrated with Jai sometimes i just want to scream at him, there really isnt any impulse control. Its hard watching younger siblings push past them in certain developmental aspects, i will never forget one day in the car praising Jai for counting to 4 correctly and a little voice piped up and counted to 10 flawlessly - broke my heart.

Nancy said...

Just know that you will NEVER be alone in this journey. Your kid came with a big, extended, weird family, whether you want us or not. :) I really want to meet you someday.

Noel said...

I have to agree the most with Nancy's comment. At least you have a weird extended family now, and I am totally there for you. Chris and I were talking the other day about friends and the value of them. He thinks I should have more friends to go out with and get away, I tell him the friends I want around me( you guys) just live too far away. At this point in my life I am more happy with firends online who understand than friends in person who just don't get it!
Love to you. No real advice except to let you know you are not alone!

Kerry said...

No advice here, just acceptance :). Oh, wait, I do have advice - don;t worry about others judging her or your behavior. NOBODY has a lifestyle that is deemed perfect. Also, regardless of WS, kids are going to try to get away with things - heck, even my husband does sometimes too, LOL - so don't beat yourself up over every infraction. I am learning as I get older that Brady may not be changing as quickly as I want him to, but my perception and tolerance is changing quickly, because I realize that this is a journey we will be on for a long time, I can't pass out now. Your weird, extended family will be together soon - summer 2010! :)