When I opened the letter from the special education cooperative, this is the first goal I saw. She hasn't achieved this goal, but is still working towards it. I don't know why, it's not a sentence I haven't seen before, but this time it kicked me in the gut. I imagine it's because I had such an incredibly rough weekend with her and seeing that sentence on Saturday evening made me realize the reason the weekend had been so tough is because she lacks in reasoning and logic.
Routine is still very important for Payton. Thursday evening, Bob picked Payton up from Dawn's instead of me. Generally it's me that picks her up and she was 'off' all night long. I couldn't figure it out, but as I was putting her to bed she informed me she was not happy with me. When I asked her why she said "you not pick me up". Then, the whole messed up - full of meltdowns - night made sense. I always find it so strange that it really throws her off when one little thing is different, but when something changes for her, it really messes up her clock or something. I guess it's the anxiety coming out. This is where reasoning and logic comes in. Forget trying to explain something to her - things just don't make sense for her. I'm sure in time it will come to her but it's hard talking to someone who is in a five year old body and see that she can't 'get it'. And it's really strange because if I say the same thing to Koen, he does get it.
The conversation can simply go like this:
Payton: I want to go outside.
Mommy: OK, before we go outside, we have to put our shoes on.
Payton: screaming and crying
Koen: OK (and we put his shoes on)
Payton: I want to go outside!!!!!! (screaming)
Mommy: Ok, Payton, but we have to put your shoes on. Look at bubby, he put his shoes on. Now let's put your shoes on.
Payton: Screaming and crying, sometimes laying in the floor, sometimes attacking me. This can go on for atleast 30 minutes and my 2 year old typically waits patiently until we go outside.
Something as simple as putting shoes on - my 2 year old gets it, Payton doesn't.
To make things even better, Bob left on Friday to go and spend some time with his brothers. He came back Saturday evening (and in my opinion, his arrival could not come soon enough). Preceding his arrival, Payton had given me about 2 hours full of just plain screaming. It was becoming very obvious that her ability to cope with things being different was reaching an end and I was about ready to pull my hair out. It's sad because it is always good for us to get away but we always feel guilty leaving the other spouse behind because we know what they're trying to deal with. I know Bob had a good time, but I also know his thoughts are always at home and wondering if everything is going okay. I hate that for him, but again, am hopeful that as time goes on, payton will do better with this. I know it's so hard for people to understand, but this is why we generally stay home in our protected bubble and choose not to deal with the meltdowns. Things are hard enough as it is, but to try and do the 'extras'......it can easily ruin our week or weekend. And, it really just isn't fair to Payton because she just can't settle herself down for some reason.
Tomorrow Koen gets his tubes put back in. We are so excited to get this done. I know it's not a cure all, but he'll feel better and not get so many infections, so it'll be nice. I get to spend the day with him tomorrow and get some one on one time, so I'm excited for that as well. He is such a little cuddle bug :)