What's going on?

I'm finding myself in a strange sort of funk lately. I think my bubble has been burst. I naturally assumed that as Payton got older, things would get easier. She is able to communicate, she can go where she needs to go, etc. and we are past the days of nonstop crying. While we were in the phase of continual crying (or screaming), I really didn't think it could get any harder. And honestly, it's not that I would trade one for the other.......both hurts. But as Payton is getting older, it seems like it's getting tougher - I guess it's just a different kind of 'tough'.

She's been up since 3am. Generally telling me that her stomach hurts. "Take care of me", "Pray to God to make it all better", "I'm sick, I can't go to school", etc etc etc. I know it's anxiety and that this is generally what the future is going to hold.....atleast everything I read says it is. Payton just kind of seems stuck - she doesn't want to go anywhere....grandma's, church, school, Dawn's, etc. Thankfully, Noel reassured me that it is Payton's way of keeping her routine. If she's at home, she's almost in control of things. It's her normal routine. I knew these kiddos liked their routines, but I had no idea they were this rigid.

Yesterday I went and picked Payton up from preschool. I walked in the door and the students were all sitting on the floor listening to the teacher read a book. Well, all but one student. Payton. Payton was standing up, with her back to the teacher, spacing off to the wall and picking at her scabs from the blister bug. It's hard for me to see my daughter that way. I mean, I really envisioned her being the one listening intently to the story being told, but it's actually quite the opposite. I know as she gets older she'll tune in more, but for now, she really seems oblivious to everything around her.

On Sunday during the church service, Payton made it thru a lot of it. She covered her ears and was fidgety, biting her nails, and quite anxious, but she did it. We've never made it through the entire service with her, but I'm pleased to see her make it for about 30 minutes (even though she still talks quite loudly thru a lot of it :) Again, it was disheartening to see the blank stare on her face. During the 'greet' time, people would come up to shake her hand. She would shake their hand, but it was like she was looking right thru them. You look in her eyes and it seems there's nothing there. Ofcourse during the service, the preacher said something about how trials can make you bitter or better. And when you hear that, you do think to yourself - okay, how have we handled this. I don't feel bitter. I'm not angry about this, I'm sad. It's the kind of sadness that I wouldn't wish on anyone or want anyone else to feel. The depth of sadness that I wish I'd never known. Sadness that hurts so bad, sometimes I want to run as fast and as far as I can and just throw myself on the ground in tears.

I guess it's a feeling you can't really explain. I feel guilty for feeling it. Payton is Payton, why would I want to change that? I want to see that life in her. I want to see that 'light' in her eyes. Not the empty, gazed look. Part of struggling may be because of everything I see in Koen. Before him, I really had nothing to compare it to. But, Koen. Oh my goodness. Watching him run down the driveway is enough to bring Bob and I to tears. Maybe part of it is because I now see him and am beginning to mourn everything all over again. I don't really know. I guess it's a process - a long process.

This morning when I took Payton to school she did very well. Maybe she was groggy since she'd been up since 3am (haha). Tarin (she's three years old and basically takes care of Payton) met us at the door and she and Payton walked off holding hands to go put Payton's backpack in her cubby. Bob picked them up from preschool today....here's their pic. I hope there are a lot of "Tarin's" that cross Payton's path.